When I was in high school, our Student Council organized a blood drive. I got all fired up to save lives, but when they drew some sort of sample, the blood suckers determined I was too anemic to give blood. They gave me a sticker that said, "I'm special, too. I tried." I just entered a contest where some 3,000 women entered. When the winners were announced, I hurriedly looked down the list to see my name. It wasn't under the H's so I thought I better look under the L's in case they confused my first and last names. Not there either. Then I looked slooooowly to make sure I didn't miss it. Nothing. It felt a little like checking my name for high school tryouts of some sort, and the disappointment that comes with not making the cut. (Not that that EVER happened to me!)
Yet, even in the midst of the initial disappointment, I was okay. I'm not saying, IT was okay. I mean, I - as in me. That's the difference between high school and now. In high school, my identity was so wrapped up in what I did and how well I did it. And although I still struggle with that, I am much more comfortable accepting that I may not win the contest or learn how to wakeboard the first time or earn the Mother of the Year badge. But I am still okay. And do I dare even say: I am still good. Ooooh. I'm not sure I believe that one yet. But I'm working on it. I'm learning that I am not my mistakes, my sins, my slips, etc.
The thing is... if I had won this contest, I would have been flying to the east coast this summer for some training. Between Indy and NYC, there would be loads of details to address. I'm not sure that is what I was meant to do - yet. Maybe in the future. Just because I didn't win a silly contest, it doesn't mean I give up on the dreams that spurred me on to enter in the first place. I don't have to give up on my passions and goals.
This season of life may not be the right time. So I wait. I dream. I plan. And when God starts opening doors, then I will walk through them. For now, they are shut. And that's okay. Because I tried!