SAD Confessions
According to social media, a lot of my friends are receiving medals lately. There’s my young friend who finished first in a cycling race earlier this month, and another friend finished an Ironman. Several high school students I know received medals for their instrumental and vocal performances at the state competition. All well deserved.
But right now as I sit on my porch with my face toward the sun on this unseasonably warm February day, I wonder, ‘Where’s my medal?’
For what, you ask? For a couple things, actually. Last night, I put clothes on, opposed to pajamas, and went out in public: first to dinner with my boyfriend, and then to hear This American Life’s Ira Glass speak at a local university. We didn’t get home until after 10 p.m. Today, I laced up my tennis shoes and took a walk with my son and my dog, and stopped to talk to neighbors. Actual people.
As we turned toward home and headed closer to our house, I fully expected someone to be standing in my front yard with a podium and a blue ribbon attached to a large, gold medal. I looked for the crowd with confetti and cow bells, ready to cheer me up my front steps. But there was no podium or medal or crowd. Just the same dead grass, fallen tree branches, and wilted plants I never cut back in the fall.
I don’t think you understand what monumental accomplishments these are, or maybe you do. Most nights this winter, I have had to force myself to stay upright instead of climbing in bed at 6 or 7 pm. I set my alarm with plenty of time to work out in the morning, but instead I hit the snooze button for an hour, sometimes more. When I finally roll out of bed, I feel a vague foreboding that is tied to nothing in particular, other than being alive and having to face another colorless day.
The endless gray, dark days thrust me into what I now know is Seasonal Affective Disorder. The National Institute of Mental Health lists these symptoms associated with SAD:
Having low energy
Hypersomnia
Overeating
Weight gain
Craving for carbohydrates
Social withdrawal (feel like “hibernating”)
On top of these, I find very little joy in anything, a general feeling of malaise, frequent bouts of teariness, and difficulty concentrating at work.
All of this is embarrassing to admit. If you know anything about the enneagram, I am a 7, otherwise known as The Enthusiast. I’m an optimistic extrovert who loves adventure and spontaneity. But when Daylight Savings Time ends in November and the darkness covers my corner of the world at 5:30 pm, I feel zapped of all my seven-ness. I simply go to work, make dinner and sleep. Okay, I do a few other things like shower and clean my kitchen, but otherwise, I sleep and eat. Mainly cookies. Lots of cookies.
A few winters back I bought a Happy Light. (Yes, that’s a real thing, click here for the one I have.). I would wake up while it was still dark and use it for 20 minutes. It helped. The problem this winter is that I’m getting up too late to use it. I get up with enough time to make a pot of coffee, take a shower, get dressed and head out the door. I could take it to work but that feels weird so I forego what I know would be helpful. Just like exercise.
I recently visited my doctor to see if I should increase my antidepressant for a few weeks because I could not will myself out of this funk. She asked if I had been exercising. Lady, I can barely get myself dressed in the morning so where do you think I'm going to get the energy to do some push ups and squats? I politely answered, “No. I have a hard time doing anything.” She increased my meds, but told me how much it would help, and I told her I would try harder.
The thing is, sometimes with SAD there is no trying. There is just being. And even being is hard when you’re depressed. For those of you who can relate to the sleeping and eating, or not eating and just trying to get through another day, I’m pulling for you. Hang in there. We are almost through these oppressively gray days, Today as the sun broke through, I was reminded that above those thick, low-hanging clouds, there is a clear blue sky.
Maybe today you just need to get real clothes on. Maybe you need to go sit on your front porch wrapped in a blanket to get some fresh air. Maybe you need to nourish your body with something other than carbs. Whatever it is, I am cheering you on to do one thing that uplifts your soul. We may not have run a marathon or come in first at any competition but sometimes getting through SAD feels like winning at life. And that’s definitely worth getting a damn medal.
