I am not Mom AND Dad
A few months ago, my ex-husband invited me to his place so we could talk. Among our brief but sweet conversation, he thanked me for being both mom and dad to our boys. I told him that I would never be their dad. That he was their dad and nothing would change that, and no one would ever take his place. I told him that I knew he would be there for all of the things -- the bike races, the soccer games, the birthday dinners and graduations -- if he could. But most of the time, he can’t.
My ex-husband is disabled, and I want to assure you that our divorce was not a result of his disability, on his part or on mine. When we were first divorced he could still walk with a cane and would make it to the kids’ activities although he often could not stay the entire time due to fatigue. Now, unable to walk or get out of bed on his own, it is rare that he gets to any event.
I know that breaks his heart because he loves supporting his boys. I know that if he could have, he would have been the one to take Jaden to St. Louis for his soccer tourney this weekend. I know he would have been there on the sidelines with the dads talking soccer talk.
“Yes, that was definitely off-sides.”
“They need to step to the ball more.”
“Does this ref know what he’s doing? That should be a corner!”
But I am the one standing there with the dads now, shaking my head like I know what’s going on. I truly love watching Jaden play, and I’m comfortable around the guys so I don’t mind it. I grew up with two brothers and birthed four males so I can hold my own. But I noticed some distinct differences in spending a weekend with the dads versus spending a weekend with moms.
For instance, one of the dads told me he texted me to join them for dinner last night. Either he’s lying or he had the wrong number because I didn’t get it which is fine since Jaden and I had left the hotel to go to the Gateway Arch and search for authentic BBQ. I asked him who went with them and he mentioned a couple kids and a dad by name. Then he described a couple more kids whose names he didn’t know nor did he catch their dads’ names. He explained that they had been hanging out by the pool all afternoon and then decided to have dinner at the nearby Mexican restaurant.
Are you kidding me? You don’t know their names and we have been cheering for these boys for months, not to mention you just spent at least 4 hours hanging out with these people? I’m not trying to bash this dad. He and his wife are my favorite parents on the team. But, Friends, this never would have happened if the moms were on this trip. We would know who each woman’s child was and the names of her other children, her husband or boyfriend or girlfriend, her favorite hobbies, what she did for a living, and maybe even when her next period was expected to start! I know not all women are extroverts and many do not like the get-to-know you conversations like I do, but come on, not even a name?
This is how I know I am not the mom AND the dad. This, and the fact that I don’t cry-laugh at fart jokes, although I think they are funny sometimes. I also don’t load my plate at the breakfast buffet like I’m never going to see food again.
But you do what you have to do as a single parent. You show up when you are the only one of your kind. Men, I’m looking at you, too, as I know this is not only a single-mom thing. You have probably suffered through conversations about nail salons and make-up and God only knows what else to support your daughters at their cheerleading competitions. (Sidenote: please don’t write me about how I’m stereotyping gender here. I know, I know. Just try to see my general point.)
My point is, Single Parents, we are never going to fill both roles. Even if you were once a part of a Mom and Mom or a Dad and Dad team, you cannot be both parental figures. You each had your role, gender-based or not. Our kids may suffer some of their own heartbreak as a result of one parent not participating in their lives for whatever reason, but the truth is… we will never save them from every heartbreak no matter how it occurs.
I can’t change what has happened to my boys’ dad, nor can I change what is to come. The only way I know how to handle this is by doing these two things:
I pray. As a person who has a deep love of Jesus, I turn to God to help me when I feel alone or baffled or angry or any other emotion that arises from single parenting. Sometimes my prayers are anemic and contain only one word: HELP! But God doesn’t need my words to know what my kids really need.
I keep the conversation open with my boys. This is huge because I have a tendency to project my own sadness onto them. In fact, I just asked Asher if he was sad that his dad couldn’t be at his graduation. He told me he wasn’t because he understood why, and he is used to it by now. So there. The tears I cried when I heard my ex-husband couldn’t make it were more for me than they were for Asher.
You may handle the absence of your parenting partner differently, but my hope is that you will stop trying to be both parents. You can’t do it, Friend. You have a role that is uniquely yours. Besides, there are so many things you can do. You can give them what YOU have to offer. You can give them what YOU know. You can give them YOUR attention. YOUR wisdom. And you most of all you can give them YOUR love.
